Feeling after my return back
During my trip of this time, I had such impression as that Gilbert island,Tarawa atoll and Betio island are really beautiful islands. Before going there, I had such image as that "Island of Fear","Island of death fight to the last man","Island of Sorrow", in my mind, and islands where so many people died during war, surrounded by me in very negative word. There was nothing but sorrow; I had such image so far. The islands are, however, really beautiful tropical island full of clean air and blue seas and sky, and native people living there is filled with smile and cheerful faces, unlike my original image.
At the time of landing attack by US army and death fight to the last man by Japanese army, fierce horrible scene of all-out battle fight was, no doubt, taken place there. Trees were burned down by repeated air bombings and many people died. That was the tragedy taken place in the beautiful seashore and beach really colored red by blood.
I feel, however, my grandfather together with other war dead should have been alive by that time. Some books describing the Tarawa Island wrote about the entertainment contest held there. People were alive while spending temporary pleasant time there.
Clear cobalt blue sea and white atoll sand beach, and innumerable stars in the sky, these things they should have been healed with, and I do wish this should have happened there at that time.
To my great regret, no letter sent by my grandfather to us is in my hands. It is said that all letters were burned down by air raid , because my family lived in Tokyo at that time. We, therefore, have no means to know what grandfather felt or how he spent days there.
What did he see and how did he feel there? Did he have any peaceful time or feel relieved? I can do nothing but to imagine.
During this trip, we had many chances to talk about the each impression or thought in gathering in one room beyond the generations. I happened to hear from Mrs. M on the letter sent from her father. On this letter, he wrote that he fell asleep while aboard the night navigation boat, or dreamed about his children. This is really , I feel, his sincere thought of his own family from island very far away in south Pacific Ocean, I am very impressed to hear this story.
From Mrs. A, same one room stay as I, quite often visited her room, told me about the tough time to spend days after her father's death economically or mental upset . Even if the war was over, the things can NOT be all over. It seriously affected a lot over the subsequent life of bereaved family or living circumstances. It may be still continued as of today.
The name of Mrs.S was named by her father, but before she was born, her father went to the island, and she has no memory about her father at all. I felt that she still took good care of her own name named by her father. Its name was really full of her father's love. It is beyond my description in word that he died, with great regret, in island far from homeland without giving face-to-face direct love over his child or checking the progress of growth. How much regret it is for him ! The bereaved family of war, particularly who lost father, spent days without touching "THIS" fact during the post-war time up to now, they said so.
Even my father never spoke about his father. As his father went to battlefield at the age of 2 years old, he did not recall his father well and did not feel unforgettable, I thought like this, prior to my departure. After I listened to their explanation of other similar bereaved family of war, my father as well spent post-war time in no touching this fact, I came to feel in such manner.
After my return back home, when I talked about story of my trip to father, he just listened to me with no word, but slightly with tears in his eyes. After finished, he still kept silent. The pieces of shellfish and some fragments of coral I gave to him are still lying near by my father. I personally feel even my father as well had the same feeling as other bereaved family of war against my grandfather. Needless to say, he has no feeling forgettable, but as it is too excessive and filled with too much complex thought against grandfather for him to touch these items I brought back as my souvenir for my father, I guess. To my great regret, it is quite difficult to share such same feeling as my father bear in his mind. He should have had much more tougher time and missed his own father than I originally imagined. I also feel that many bereaved child of war may still have much more complex feeling against their father as child generation same as my own father’s generation than I felt beyond my description. I do believe the parent generation who lost their own child or bereaved wives by war may have the same feeling. I hardly presume to understand such their feeling as that they have no choice but to accept dispatch of their beloved husband or child to War for the state. The time to go for battle with pleasure and scarify their life bravely should never come again, I wish, and there are still so many people who are filled with such feeling as great regret for dispatching family or spending postwar time with big sorrow.
For me, as long as I know, my own grandmother is only bereaved wife of war, but she also did not talk about her own husband same as other bereaved family of war didn't. I, however, saw the photo of grandfather in her own room from my childhood, and there are so many things, after her death, connecting with her husband or written notes left behind.
The followings are the part of its notes.
"He DIED in battle in 1943 at Gilbert islands. No kidding! The woman screamed in single word and put that death notice into the bottom of letter case of gold lacquer work. Then here comes Northern Sea is just closing to me to be surrounded by snowstorm and ice."
"The women sewed loose work trouser with black-colored silk fabric, and the white-colored silk fabric covering the small wooden box held on her breast was wrapping her heart very cold. She opened its box with no word, and found, inside box, a piece of photo she was accustomed to see. Indescribable profound Anger was sinking down at the bottom of her heart with no drop of tears, she felt."
I have no ideas exactly when she wrote these notes, but probably 27-28 years after her husband's death, it might be written by her, I guess. After these long years passed, she had still such vivid memory on her husband’s death of that day when she was noticed. And she kept on having such feeling as that she yearned for her husband until she passed away, and even 65 years after the World War Two, up to now, she kept on having the same feeling for 67 years long.
I heard the tragedy of war since my childhood. The real tragedy of war is found in the fact that bereaved family of war hardly eliminate their own yearn ,out of their mind, for the war dead even if time passes for years or tens of years, I feel.
Meanwhile, in my case and Mrs. Y, niece, even if its genealogy is different, both belong to post-war born generation. Uncle and grandfather, we neither meet each other, nor spent the same time, however, would we therefore like to know the fact and share such common strong willing to investigate more in details. As both of our generation did not feel war very close, we could rather receive the fact objectively and cool. We should have to know the fact.
What did my grandfather think at the final moment of death? Did he fight to the maximum best till he died in order to protect Japan, as homeland, and to save his own family? According to the U.S. historical record, Japanese armed forces are said to fight to the last man, and there was no single soldier who surrendered. If they just raise white flag, honorable death fight could be avoidable, and I do wish they should have done so if possible.
As I am living now as post-war generation, I may say so. All of the people was trying utmost best to live hard, I do believe. In those days, being captured by enemy meant the social death, as a matter of fact, not only for himself, but his own family. They therefore should have thought so in order to protect the honor of their family. It was quite difficult to fight against the enemy overwhelmingly superior in its number only from the point of self-protection. As they seriously wished for the peace of their family, I thought they kept on last their lives foot and nail till their last moment of lives. When I decided to participate in this memorial service tour, I would like to find the living evidence of my grandfather's life and be as much closer to the fact as possible in my mind.
Before I went to Tarawa Island, I wished I could go there at least once. I wish I could visit there again after my return back home. Originally I participated in this tour in such mind as that I have to meet my late grandfather and see the place where he died with my own eyes. And after my return back home, It is not real intention of my grandfather that he would like to convey his own great regret of his death there, but the one that he would like me to see what he saw there before the war and even the peaceful scenery recovered there 67 years later, I wondered so. When I made research on the battle in Tarawa, I missed my grandfather who died in the midst of sorrow and fear, and how much scared he felt and had very tough time, and I could not help being moved to tears. But as soon as I stepped in the Betio Island, I felt something tender or warm-hearted beyond my description, and could become very peaceful there.
I now still feel sad, and even after my return back, when I read the book on Tarawa battle again, I feel deeply sad in recalling the beautiful scenery , I saw with my eyes, doubled with the one described sad on book. We never forget about the fact that all of the people who died there did best to live till their last moment of death and they were filled with love and tenderness enough to overcome fear and sorrow of war.
Betio Island is really very small island. This time I visited war relic, but if I could visit again next time, I would like to walk around on my foot slowly. In addition, if possible, I would like to participate in the collection of the ash or remain there. It may be a little difficult as it is not to be extensively done.
Thanks to the many people such as Ministry of the Health, Labor, and Welfare who allowed me to participate in this tour, and accompanied by Mr. Y, Tour leader, Mrs. M, assistant leader, Ms. I, Tour attendant, Mr. I, tour attendant in Fiji island, Mr. A, helping in Kiribati, memorial service tour of this time just became very peaceful due to their kind support as well, which I highly appreciated.
And thanks to the relationship my grandfather might build with, other tour members took good care of me, the youngest one among tour members, during the tour. I would like to treasure such close relationship in my lifetime.
